


The First Snow

by montegobae



Category: K-pop, LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Break Up, F/F, Flashbacks, because sad bitches are always at a cafe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 08:23:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montegobae/pseuds/montegobae
Summary: Jungeun and Jiwoo talk for the first time since breaking up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted to get this done before the new year, so! here we are!
> 
> first thing i've written in a faaaaaat minute (aka ever). this was originally a one-shot but i split it up for ~suspense~ or smth idek
> 
> *heejin's voice* "let's get it!"

 

“Hm. Still no snow,” she thought.

 

Jungeun’s tour had wrapped up a week ago, so she came back home. Well, “home” being a small, dimly-lit apartment across town from where she grew up. It’d have to be her home for now, as many things had changed since she left a year ago. Usually, it’d be snowing by this time. The air was frigid, the atmosphere somber.

 

It took a long time to get here. Before the cafe, she took a deep breath. _In... And out._ Unclenching her fist, Jungeun pulled the entrance open and cautiously stepped inside.

 

She had known this place all her life, yet it felt so unfamiliar. So much happened inside these walls. So many drinks and words shared. So much nervousness and relief, fear and laughter. But these memories were all obscured, as if reflected through a fun-house mirror. The strangeness left a bad taste in Jungeun’s mouth and she sucked her teeth. Slowly, her eyes roamed around the cafe as she relived her tainted past. A minute passed. Then, she found her.

 

Her breath hitched. Suddenly, she was home.

 

Jiwoo looked beautiful. Despite the overcast sky, she shined brightly. Her warmth could be felt from an infinite distance, and it was just so inviting. Her hands were tucked in the sleeves of a fluffy creme sweater, and her cheeks were faintly rose. Her head was turned to the side, her profile like a crescent moon. She stared longingly out the window. A part of Jungeun hoped that Jiwoo was waiting for her, but she was probably just wishing for snow. She loved snow; they both did.

 

Then their eyes met.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah.......only gets worse from here lmao rip!
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg ur sticking around for the next chapter uwu thank you!!! (also chapter lengths will vary so get ready for sum big bois (but not too big i ain't like that lol))
> 
> this is the first flashback ooh ahh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Jiwoo, slow down! You’re gonna slip!” Jungeun clumsily staggered behind Jiwoo, trying to keep up with her. Jungeun’s dragging feet left a trail connecting all the way back to her house, while Jiwoo seemingly floated over the snow like a fairy. Class was canceled due to snow, so instead of heading to their high school, Jungeun and Jiwoo ran to their favorite cafe.

 

Jungeun’s parents were always a bit overprotective, but they didn’t have time to drive her to school anymore, so they started letting her take the bus to school when she entered the eighth grade. On her first walk to the bus stop, she bumped into a cute girl with soft bangs and a pleated skirt, one of her classmates. Jungeun thought she’d be mad, but Jiwoo just laughed it off. And hearing Jiwoo laugh, Jungeun couldn’t help but smile in return. Later in the day when returning home from the bus stop, Jungeun and Jiwoo found out they were actually neighbors, having been only four houses apart for their whole lives. Surely, it was destiny. From then on, they were inseparable.

 

Despite all the time they spent together, Jungeun still couldn’t understand why Jiwoo was always so excited to go to the cafe they visited almost every day for two years. “C’mon, Jungie! We gotta’ beat the line!” Jiwoo yelled, her pace unrelenting.

 

“What line? Most people stay home on snow days! _Normal people!_ ” To Jungeun’s dismay, Jiwoo pulled ahead even further. Determined to catch up, Jungeun pointed her head forward and started sprinting harder. “Jiwoooo!”

 

The cafe was open 24/7 and they meant it. Even on a snow day, Jungeun and Jiwoo could count on them being open, bursting through the front door only to meet an empty room. “Oh yeah, we totally beat the line.” Jiwoo nodded her head, looking unreasonably smug. Jungeun rolled her eyes, yet couldn’t resist the smile that tugged at her lips. Now that they escaped the cold, their run started catching up to Jungeun. Her heavy breathes condensed before her eyes and fogged up her vision. However, before she could even take a moment to catch her breath, Jiwoo gripped Jungeun’s arm and dragged her to the order counter. “Nooo,” she grumbled, but Jungeun enjoyed whenever Jiwoo held onto her tightly.

 

They were greeted by an unfamiliar face, probably a new barista. “And what would you like today?”

 

Jiwoo scratched at her temple and Jungeun rolled her eyes again. They always got the same drink, but Jiwoo had to be dramatic. It was endearing though, and life was always exciting with her.

 

“Mmm…” Then, as if the idea suddenly popped up in her head, Jiwoo’s face lit up. “Oh! Two peppermint hot chocolates please!”

 

“Alright, can I get a name?”

 

“Jiwoo!” she chirped, adorning a giant grin. For reasons she wouldn’t know yet, Jungeun’s heart suddenly felt lighter.

 

Jiwoo and Jungeun handed over three dollar bills each to pay for their drinks. With a _ding_ , the barista dropped a handful of coins in Jungeun’s free hand. “Your drinks will be done in a sec!” And they moved to work at a machine.

 

One arm still held, Jungeun turned to face Jiwoo and held out the coins. They were close, Jiwoo’s breath tickling Jungeun’s nose. “Take the change. I know you’ve been eyeing that penguin plushie in the claw machine at the mall.”

 

“That’s true…” Then, tugging on Jungeun’s arm, “But I’m so bad at those things! They steal all my money.” Jiwoo looked away with a pout, lightly stomping.

 

“No, Jiwoo… Look at me.” Reluctantly, Jiwoo returned her gaze to Jungeun, her eyes shiny. Even though she knew this was all a part of Jiwoo’s dramatics, Jungeun’s heart fell anyways. “Don’t be sad. Next time we go to the mall, I’ll have a go at the machine. I’ll get you that penguin for sure.” After depositing the change into her coat pocket, she sealed her promise with a wink and a thumbs up.

 

As quickly as the grin returned to Jiwoo’s face, Jungeun’s smiled too. “Ah, Jungie! You’re the best!” All of a sudden, Jungeun found herself wrapped up in Jiwoo’s arms, pulled into a tight embrace. Jungeun didn’t care that Jiwoo could probably feel how hot she was, returning the hug by gently bringing her arms around her shoulders.

 

With their chins rested on the other’s shoulders, Jungeun heard Jiwoo whisper, “You’re the best friend I could’ve ever asked for. What would I do without you?” She hoped this wasn’t just Jiwoo being dramatic again.

 

Quietly, Jungeun replied, “I could say the same about you.”

 

The barista’s voice interrupted their embrace, the two girls jumping slightly and reluctantly pulling apart. “Two peppermint hot chocolates for Chuu?”

_Chuu?_

 

Confused, Jiwoo looked to the barista with knitted brows, pointing at herself and seeking confirmation. Seeing them nod, Jungeun began to laugh at her friend.

 

“Chuu? Like a choo-choo train?”

 

Playfully hitting her, Jiwoo grew red. “Ah, don’t be mean to me!”

 

“I’m not being mean! It’s a cute nickname!” Once they picked up their drinks, Jungeun added, “A pretty fitting one too, considering how you barrel through the streets like a freight train.”

 

Hitting her a bit harder this time, “What did I just say?! Stop being mean to me!”

 

Jungeun rubbed her wounded arm even though Jiwoo’s fist felt like a sponge. “Hey, that one kinda’ hurt. Well, not physically, but I’m pretty emotionally damaged now.”

 

Gingerly, Jiwoo muttered, “Well, I’m sorry.” Her lower lip was still jutted out, brows furrowed. Not a very authentic apology, but Jungeun knew she wasn’t _really_ mad.

 

Bringing a hand up to Jiwoo’s chin, “You’re forgiven. And our drinks are getting cold.” Jungeun looked away from Jiwoo to take a long, sweet sip of her drink. “I’m sorry too. You know I love you.” And they both grinned as they drank, their ears warming as they sipped away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note: throughout this story i deliberately repeat a lot of things, motifs and shit yunno.........hope its not too redundant :+)
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case it's not clear enough from the writing, every other chapter is a flashback

 

Jungeun stirred her drink with a candy cane. Jiwoo had ordered their usual.

 

As soon as eye contact was made, it was broken. Staring down into her cup, Jungeun tried to hypnotize herself, stirring the whipped cream topping into the chocolate, watching white streaks swirl into the brown. Meanwhile, Jiwoo just kept staring out the window, her sleeve-covered hands resting on the table. Every now and then, Jungeun would glance up from her cup only to find Jiwoo still looking the other way, looking back at her drink with a heavier heart each time.

 

Her cheeks flushed as her anxiety rose, the tension eating at her. Jungeun’s peppermint hot chocolate had whittled away half of her candy cane, the pinched fingers holding the candy skimming the drink’s surface. Now, every sip was too sweet, clinging to her tongue. She wanted to talk to her, but she couldn’t.

 

Jiwoo cleared her throat.

 

“So…”

 

Seeing Jiwoo turn towards her in her peripheral vision, Jungeun whipped her head up from her cup. She loathed the relief that washed over her.

 

“... How was your tour?”

 

_Lonely. So far from you. Too far. I’m sorry I take back what I said I regret everything that hap—_

 

“Hm…” Carefully considering her response, “... Kind of scary.”

 

“Really? How?”

 

Eyes back down to her drink, “I was on my own.”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Like, really on my own.”

 

“But your group?”

 

A bit frustrated, “That’s not what I mean.” A heavy breath out and she closed her eyes. “I… We had been together for such a long time.” She opened her eyes and looked back up at Jiwoo.

 

“Oh.” Jungeun could tell Jiwoo was taken aback by her directness. After they broke up a year ago, they stopped talking. Jungeun hoped that if they never mentioned it, then it never really happened. Maybe they’d still be together, or there’d at least be some hope for the future. But that’s not how it worked. A year later, and the truth was still hard to swallow.

 

“Even before we started dating, I had you.” Jungeun flinched at her words. “We had each other.”

 

“Since the eighth grade…”

 

“Since the eighth grade,” Jungeun repeated. “Gosh… How long—”

 

“Nine years.” Now Jungeun was taken aback. Jiwoo had answered so quickly, like it had been on her mind. Or so Jungeun wished.

 

“Yeah… After nine years, I didn’t even know who I was without you. It was scary.” A pause. “But… It was nice, too.”

 

“Bet it was nice without me in the picture, huh?” Jiwoo smiled, but Jungeun knew part of her wasn’t joking.

 

 _It wasn’t. I missed you._ But she didn’t want Jiwoo to know how she really felt, not wanting to give more than she would receive.

 

“Oh yeah, way nicer.” Dropping her jaw, Jiwoo feigned being hurt, and Jungeun chuckled. Dramatic as always.

 

Hands held up in defense, “Ah, Jiwoo. You know I’m joking.”

 

Jiwoo crossed her arms, creme sleeves swirling. With a huff, “You better be.”  
  
“I am, I am,” Jungeun reassured. “I still feel pretty lost on my own, but… It feels good to know that I can live by myself. With myself.”

 

“That’s good. Really good.” Another smile on Jiwoo’s face, genuine this time. “I’m happy for you.”

 

Each girl took a sip of their drink, and it felt a little warmer this time. This time, they kept their eyes on one another as they tilted their cups back. Filled with cocoa, Jiwoo puffed her cheeks like a chipmunk. Jungeun chuckled lightly only to choke on her drink, her sip zipping up her nose. Her violent coughs were met with Jiwoo’s laugh, full and vivacious. Like a song she hadn’t heard in a while but would always enjoy listening to. Pretending to be mad, she reached over the table to playfully hit Jiwoo, and it was almost like it never happened.

But it did.

She froze, then suddenly withdrew her arm. Her head looked back down at her drink, and Jiwoo could tell something happened. And she knew what happened. It was so unfortunate.

They were so close.

Several sips later, Jiwoo spoke up again. “Your hair…”

 

“Hm? Oh.” Once brunette, Jungeun ran her fingers through her blonde hair. She could hardly recall having brown hair, like it was a lifetime ago.

 

“It looks nice on you.” Jiwoo looked right at her.

 

“Oh… Thanks.” Jungeun turned her head to the side, as if she could hide her face. She felt it getting hotter and hotter, and she hated how easily Jiwoo got to her. Every time she could feel them getting closer, every time she took a step closer to home, reality would violently pull her away. She was getting tired of this. No more.

 

Exasperated, “Why did you want to meet?”

 

Caught off guard by her directness again, Jiwoo stuttered, “Oh. Um, uh, okay… I mean…” Jungeun could sense her disappointment. She messed up. _Again_.

 

Trying to backtrack, “Wait. I’m sorry, Jiwoo. Please, say what you want, I swear I’ll listen. God, I’m just talking about myself again. How are you doing? How has life been, and your work, and—”

 

“Jungeun,” Jiwoo interrupted, putting a hand between them. “It’s okay,” but Jiwoo refused to look at her. The same mistakes. Jungeun shook her head in shame.

 

It really wasn’t okay.

 

Jungeun held her breath as she watched Jiwoo reach to her side. “I wanted to see you today because I need to return something.”

 

“Oh, did I leave something behind? I’m sorry if I di—”

 

“Stop it. Please, just stop.” Tears started to form at the corners of Jiwoo’s eyes, alarming Jungeun. _Why was she crying?_ Nevertheless, she chose to abide by Jiwoo’s request and remained silent.

 

Harshly, Jiwoo flung whatever was lying beside her onto the table. First, Jungeun flinched, bringing her arms up and turning her head away. Realizing she was fine and that their drinks were still upright, Jungeun pulled one arm away, then the other, and looked down to see a penguin plushie lying face down on the table, its wings splayed outwards.

 

A penguin plushie.

 

 _The_ penguin plushie.

 

“Wait, what?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god its 5am my sleep schedule is meditatinG (she's ded)

 

Once Jiwoo stepped into their dorm room, Jungeun slammed the door behind them.

 

Jiwoo jumped when the door crashed closed. “Baby, not too hard! It might break!”

 

Jiwoo’s warnings were drowned out by Jungeun’s anger. “It’s inhumane! Four hours, no break! I’m gonna’ die…” Jungeun drew out the last word as she threw her backpack to the side and fell backwards onto her bed. Well, it was technically Jiwoo’s bed, but they both slept in it.

 

From high school sweethearts to college freshmen, Jungeun and Jiwoo decided to stay together, choosing to attend the same college and opting to be roommates. Even though they got shafted with last room-pick, they couldn’t be any more satisfied. Sure, the window couldn’t close, and the popcorn ceiling flaked debris everywhere, and the room would stink as students lit up behind the bushes right outside… But they had each other! After submitting college applications together and celebrating acceptances together, they got to spend even more momentous occasions together. Move-in day, convocation, freshman orientation… Now, their first finals week. It was Jungeun’s turn to be dramatic.

 

Hands covering her face, Jungeun knew Jiwoo sat beside her head when she felt her cheap mattress dip, gentle fingers running through her hair. “Honey, you’ll be okay! You’re so, so smart! You can do this!”

 

Jungeun replied with incoherent grunts.

 

Jiwoo sighed, patting her lap. “C’mere, you big baby.”

 

Without hesitation, Jungeun eagerly scooted her head onto Jiwoo’s lap, grinning as her girlfriend resumed running fingers through her hair. Momentarily forgetting her frustration, she nuzzled into her girlfriend’s thighs, warm and soft. Once she was adequately comfortable, she continued her tirade.

 

“Geology was supposed to be easy! It’s just rocks! How are they gonna’ fill up four whole hours?!”

 

Trying to alleviate Jungeun’s stress, “But it’s open-note, right?”

 

Jungeun was quick to correct her. “Open-note is a trap! That just means that there’ll be extra hard stuff on the test! Ugh, I should’ve taken better notes…”

 

As the regret flooded the room, “I’m sure your notes are fine!”

 

Jungeun scoffed. “I can guarantee you that they are not. Even if I was awake during lecture, I didn’t ever understand whatever the professor was going on about. I can’t even understand other people’s notes! Why couldn’t the prof actually be interesting?” Puppy eyes in full force, Jungeun removed her hands from her face. “Jiwooo… I’m sooo deeeaaad…” Her eyes met a smile Jiwoo was struggling to hide.

 

“Hey, stop smiling!”

 

Jiwoo couldn’t contain her laugh. “I’m sorry, Jungie!” Jiwoo moved her hands to hold Jungeun’s face. “I know you’re really frustrated right now, but you also look super—” moving her hands together to squish Jungeun’s cheeks, “—duper cute.”

 

Jungeun crossed her arms and scrunched her nose in response.

 

“You’re such a baby,” Jiwoo lightly scolded, bending her head down. She got closer and closer to Jungeun’s face, but ultimately couldn’t bend that far. Determined to kiss her girl, Jiwoo leaned back a little, then tried to propel herself forward so their lips could meet. However, she threw the both of them off balance instead, Jiwoo frantically waving her arms and Jungeun gripping the side of the bed. Once stable, the roles reversed. With a scrunched nose and pursed lips, Jiwoo defeatedly bounced on the mattress as they recovered from the near-disaster. Meanwhile, Jungeun forgot her troubles and laughed, so in love.

 

Still determined, Jiwoo bent down again, and this time Jungeun tilted her chin upwards to meet her part of the way. It wasn’t one long kiss, but several consecutive pecks, each one sounding with an obnoxiously loud _pop!_ Jiwoo landed the last three pecks on one cheek, then the other, then on the tip of Jungeun’s nose, making it scrunch all up again.

 

They returned to what they were doing before, Jungeun relaxing on Jiwoo’s lap. No matter what happened, they’d always return here at some point in the day. Jungeun found home in the fingers that would run through her hair.

 

“I wish I had a video of you flapping your arms like that,” Jungeun remarked. “You looked like a… Like a…”

 

Her eyes went wide.

 

Suddenly remembering, Jungeun quickly scrambled off of Jiwoo to grab her backpack.

 

“Jungeun!” Jiwoo exclaimed. “What the heck?!”

 

“I almost forgot, I can’t believe I almost forgot!”

 

“Forgot what?!”

 

Turning away from Jiwoo, Jungeun swiped something from her backpack. “You looked like a…” Spinning around, “A penguin!” With a penguin plushie in hand, a huge grin adorned Jungeun’s face.

 

It had been years since Jungeun and Jiwoo gave up on the mall claw machine, never able to liberate Jiwoo’s desired penguin from its transparent cage. After driving home one weekend to visit her family, Jungeun passed by the cursed machine on an outing. Lo and behold, the penguin plushie was still there.

 

A second chance.

 

With a coin she picked off the ground earlier, she prayed and started up the machine for the first time in years. Surely enough, it was as if the stars were aligned, and Jungeun thanked the heavens.

 

“You didn’t!” Jiwoo squealed.

 

“I did!” Jungeun squealed back.

 

“You didn’t!”

 

“But I did!” Jungeun held its wings between her fingers, excitedly flapping them up and down as she held the plushie out to her girlfriend. “Happy year-and-ten-months-iversary!”

 

Jiwoo happily took the penguin from Jungeun’s hands and hugged it tightly, fluff nearly bursting at its seams. After giving Jungeun a well-deserved kiss, she embraced her all the same. “Thank you so so _so_ much, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you…” Jiwoo repeated this over and over like a broken record, but Jungeun didn’t mind listening.

 

However, Jiwoo realized her shortcoming, pulling back. Pouting, “Now I feel bad, I didn’t get you anything!”

 

Taking Jiwoo’s hands into her own, “It’s okay, don’t worry,” Jungeun reassured. “I don’t expect you to do something every monthiversary. Plus, it’s finals week, we’re both super busy.”

 

Jiwoo looked unconvinced.

 

Sighing, Jungeun brought a hand up to muss Jiwoo’s hair. “I mean it, babe. I didn’t win this penguin after all these years to make you feel bad. I wanted to make you happy.”

 

The ends of Jiwoo’s lips curled slowly, then parted to reveal the widest, toothiest smile. She leaned forward, and their lips met once again, both of them falling onto the bed as they kissed.

 

“You always make me happy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow pls my ratio is clappedt and im a funny bicht
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably gonna crosspost on asianfanfics for extra exposure becuase im a whore for clout but i'm not writing these xtra lil notes over there so enjoy me losing my sanity rn :^)

 

“No, Jungeun. I can’t hold onto this anymore.” For the umpteenth time, Jiwoo shoved the penguin away. The tried to keep their voices down as they went back and forth, knowing random onlookers would judge. The tears had dried, but now anger simmered, eruption impending.

 

She hated addressing it, but Jungeun was fed up. “Look. I know we broke up, but you don’t need to give this back. I gave it to you as a gift. It’s yours, end of discussion.”

 

“Can’t you just take it back? For me?”

 

 _Oh. We’re playing_ this _game._

 

“’For me?’” Jungeun repeated mockingly. “Are you serious? How about you tell me why you wanna’ get rid of it so badly.” Aiming to kill, “What, does it ‘hurt?’ Hurt to see it, a reminder of me? Trying to forget me?”

 

“Jungeun.” Struggling to remain calm, “Sto—”

 

“Nah, I’m probably just keeping my hopes up,” Jungeun spat through clenched teeth. Nearing the edge, “You probably hate me, don’t you?” She formed one hand into a fist. “Every time you see it, you think of all the trouble I was, all the years I wasted, right? You probably wanna’ pound my face in.” She ground her knuckles into the palm of her other hand.

 

 “Jung—”

 

It was as if she couldn’t hear her. “Or maybe you pity me. I don’t know which is worse. Maybe you knew I wasn’t doing well, maybe you knew I missed you—” her confession tainted by emotions contained for far too long, “—maybe you think this cheap piece of garbage can be ‘something to remember you by,’ right?”  Jungeun brought a pointed finger right up to Jiwoo’s face. “You think you’re such a good person, huh. You think you’re so considerate. You think that you can just break promises and spit on nine years and fix it all by giving this back, right? Like slapping on a band-aid.” Pushing more and more, “Is this what you think? Of me? Of us? Of what we had?”

 

“ _Enough!_ ”

 

Jiwoo grabbed the hand before her and slammed it onto the table, causing everything on it to jump. One of the penguin’s wings folded over itself ever so slightly, and an empty cup fell over, a soft _thud_ as the paper met wood. Grabbing onlookers’ attention now, they were lucky the cafe never drummed up much business. Jungeun was too shocked to be hurt, or to notice the back of her hand beginning to bruise. The anger seeped out of her as she caught her breath. Calming herself with deep breaths, _in… And out_.

 

There was a time where Jungeun would more often be holding Jiwoo’s hand than not. Once they were near enough, their hands would curl into one another without effort, without thought. It was foreign for their hands to be at odds. Yet, though Jungeun wasn’t resisting, Jiwoo pressed her hand harshly into the table, bending it into an unnatural shape. Fingernails dug into her hand, not piercing skin but still cutting deeply.

 

Jungeun trailed her eyes from their hands, up Jiwoo’s arm, then to her lips. She watched intently as Jiwoo said, “You’re wrong, Jungeun.”

 

Riding the line between fury and desperation, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Letting go of her hand, Jiwoo slithered back into her seat, putting more distance between her and Jungeun than before. She contemplated not her words, but whether she should say anything at all.

 

“I don’t deserve it.”

 

“I still don’t understand.”

_Jungeun should know_.

So, after a deep breath, Jiwoo spoke in a whisper. Now, Jungeun heard clearly.

“Sooyoung and I are dating.”

 

Jungeun froze, mouth agape. Everything felt so cold.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg chuuves crumbs! *chef's kiss* bone apple tea hoes!!!!!!!
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i didn't even tag chuuves on this fic even though it would've given me xtra clout bc i didn't wannaspoil the twist ugH talk about a queen dedicated to her craft omg........jk rowling could nver
> 
> anyways i think this is the fattest chapter of this fic owo

 

Jungeun winced as the door creaked again, trying not to wake Jiwoo. Fortunately, this was her last box, then she’d be gone for good. Hefting the box with both her hands, she propped the door open with her side and attempted to slide out into the night, a secret escape.

 

She had almost closed the door.

 

“Jungeun. Where are you going?”

 

Begrudgingly, Jungeun slid back inside, leaving the door open. Cold air rushed in and tickled her back, but she remained still.

 

“I’m leaving.” She kept her eyes on the ground.

 

Jiwoo crossed her arms. “Your tour doesn’t leave for another week.”

 

Caustically, “I’m getting an early start.”

 

Jiwoo rolled her eyes. “So, this is how it ends? All these years and you planned to leave without a word? Very mature.”

 

She always knew just how to press her buttons. Jungeun was getting heated. “I’m not ending anything. You’re the one who ended this.”

 

“For the last time, Jungeun. This doesn’t have to end. We don’t have to.”

 

“I don’t see how we can continue.” Her arms started to burn, but Jungeun kept holding the box. She planned to wrap the conversation up quickly and leave soon. “I gotta’ go, Ji—”

 

“There you go again. You always do this.”

 

 _Really? She has the audacity to throw these stupidly vague accusations at me?_ Jungeun carelessly dropped her box, forgetting whatever contents it held as it crashed onto the ground. She hoped all their neighbors heard. “I always do what?”

 

“Can you look at me first?”

 

With all her might, Jungeun tore her gaze from the ground. Still, her eyes were closed. Chewing on her lip, she cautiously opened her eyes and absorbed the sight before her. Jiwoo wore polka-dot pajamas, shorts pulled up high and collar unkempt. Her hair was all tousled, and Jungeun reminisced about how she used to turn to Jiwoo in the morning and run her fingers through her hair, untangling all its knots. But she knew she’d wake up alone tomorrow, and that she couldn’t love her anymore.

 

“What do I always do?”

 

“Shut me down.”

 

Shocked by such a short and blunt answer, Jungeun wanted to say something her but knew whatever she’d respond with would only affirm her claim. So, she stayed mum, finally allowing Jiwoo to speak her mind.

 

“I could tell you felt more comfortable opening up when we started dating, and that was okay. In fact, I was glad you felt that you could just be open with me. I wanted to be there for you when you need the emotional support. I still do.

 

“But all you did was give. You never received. Your problems became our problems, and mine became irrelevant.

 

“I was okay with it at first. It can’t always be 50/50, right? Some days would just be your days, and that’d be okay. But then every day became your day. And I’d wait for my day. And wait, and wait, and wait. I’d wait as you unloaded the world onto me, as I ran my fingers through your hair and whispered in your ear that everything would be alright. But I wasn’t alright. Did you just assume that I was?”

 

Jungeun didn’t dare to answer.

 

“I’d try to reassure you, but it stopped working after a while. And I know that sometimes insecurities can’t be swayed, but you made me feel like I hadn’t even tried. But I tried, I really did. I wasn’t meant to handle all of your emotions, nor am I supposed to. Yet here I was, walking on eggshells. I couldn’t lift you up, so I did all I could to make sure you wouldn’t slip further down.

 

“You just let me fall.

 

“We didn’t have conversations anymore, we couldn’t. I’d just nod along as you ranted, running my fingers through your hair. Even if I was feeling down, you’d always feel bad if I felt bad, and that used to be so cute. But then I wasn’t allowed to feel bad anymore, not if I didn’t want to hurt you. I just kept running my fingers through your hair and swallowed my emotions.”

 

Recovered from her shock, Jungeun could finally interject. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

 

“You never asked me anything, that’s the problem!” Jiwoo snapped, eyes aflame, then breathing heavily as the fire died.

 

Once extinguished, she shook her head. “I’m not gonna’ worry about you anymore; I’m just gonna’ say it. It felt like you didn’t really care about me, Jungeun.”

 

Jungeun wouldn’t stand for this accusation. “Are you kidding me, Jiwoo? I don’t care about you? Do you really think that?”

 

Too quickly, Jiwoo nodded her head.

 

Jungeun scoffed. “Oh, okay. So, what did untangling the knots in your hair every morning mean?” She tapped her foot impatiently, never met with an answer.

 

Jiwoo squinted. “What are you trying to get at?”

 

Relentlessly, “How about texting you to make sure you got to work safe? Or remembering to record your favorite shows when you’re stuck working late?” Sucking her teeth, “Or how about buying you a little gift every monthiversary, huh? How ‘bout that?”

 

Sheepish now, Jiwoo looked to the floor. “You said it was okay that I didn’t.”

 

She didn’t even know Jungeun had stepped towards her, but suddenly, there were hands on Jiwoo’s face, and she was forced to look right into Jungeun’s eyes. Her eyes went wide.

 

“What are you doing, Jungeun?” she whispered.

 

Softly, Jungeun ran a thumb across Jiwoo’s cheek. “It was okay. It was always okay, baby.”

 

 _Baby._ Jiwoo’s breath hitched. “Are you sure?”

 

Even though she knew she couldn’t anymore, there was no stopping herself. The truth had to be spoken.

 

“I love you, Jiwoo. I love you exactly the way you are. I love you when you take my hand and run, barreling to our destination as I stumble behind. I love you when you act all dramatic, trying to make me laugh the way you always can. I love you when you take me into your arms and tell me everything’s gonna’ be alright when I’m stressed. And I love you every time you run your fingers through my hair. Every time. All the years we’ve been together, you’ve always been so good to me.

 

“But I also love you when you don’t get me anything for our monthiversaries.”

 

Penguin-like, Jiwoo cocked her head. “How does that make any sense?”

 

“I love you when you forget to reply to my texts. I love you when you cancel having dinner together for the third night in a row to work late. I love you when you can’t come to my showcase again because you have a meeting across town. I love you every time you hurt me, because I know we have different ways of loving each other. And I have never doubted that you care about me.

 

“I’m sorry that I hurt you, baby. You know I never meant to, like I know you never meant to hurt me. I love you for you, because I know you’re trying your best to love me the way that you do. That’s what I’m doing, Jiwoo. I’m trying my best. I _do_ care about you, and I love you with my all. We just love a little differently.”

 

Jungeun took a step closer. “I would never, ever ask you to change. And I will never stop loving you, even if it hurts me. I hope you can do the same, Jiwoo. I hope you can love me for who I am.”

 

The world stood still with Jiwoo in Jungeun’s hands as they stared into one another with unfaltering gazes. Her heart lying before her, Jungeun awaited Jiwoo’s response with bated breath. So swept up in the romance of it all, Jiwoo’s rationality was drowned out by swelling strings, and she leaned in. Closer and closer, closing her eyes as Jungeun’s breath slid between her lips and filled her lungs. Jungeun closed her eyes, too.

 

Then reality found Jiwoo again. _Love doesn’t have to be cruel._

 

Killing the music in her head, Jiwoo shoved Jungeun away from her. “No!”

 

Stumbling backwards, Jungeun clutched her heart. “What?! What happened?!” _We were so close._

 

“You shouldn’t have to suffer, I can change!”

 

“But I don’t want you to change!”

 

With a stomp, “But you should! Love doesn’t have to hurt like this.”

 

“It’s the price of it,”

 

Louder, “No, it’s not! Jungeun, I can do better. For you.”

 

“But I don’t want you to change, Jiwoo. I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Jungeun.” Yet Jiwoo shook her head. “I love you so much, but…”

 

“But what?”

 

“I’m sorry, but I’m not like you. I need you to change. I need you to do better.”

 

Jungeun stood in a stunned silence.

 

“I mean, I know you’re sorry, but what’s the point of being sorry if you don’t wanna’ get better?”

 

Speechlessly, Jungeun took a moment to absorb Jiwoo’s words.

_… After all I said?_ Confusion morphed into resentment as her ears turned red-hot. She swiftly turned on her heels, picking her box up and leaving for good.

 

Jiwoo lunged towards her. “Don’t leave, Jungeun! Not like this, we can work somethi—”

 

“Save it. Just admit that you hate me,” Jungeun spat bitterly, keeping her back towards Jiwoo.

 

“But I don’t! I love you!”

 

“Then why am I not enough for you?”

 

“Jungeun, you know that’s not what I—”

 

Volume increasing, “If not me, then who?”

 

“‘Who?’ What do you—”

 

Heat rising, “Who’s enough for you?”

 

“What is this, Jungeun? It’s you, it’s always been y—”

 

Whipping around to face Jiwoo for the last time, “I bet Sooyoung is, isn’t she? She’s why you’re always working so late, right?”

 

As soon as she said those words, Jungeun’s eyes went wide. She started stammering out excuses, “I don’t know where that came from, I… Jiwoo, you know I didn’t mean it, you have to believe me on this, I… I…” Voice cracking, “I’m so sorry, I’m so so so sorry. Please Jiwoo, you have to—”

 

Now Jiwoo turned her back to Jungeun. Regret flooded the room, but with her wall brought up high, Jiwoo remained dry and silent.

 

Jungeun wanted Jiwoo to shove her, scream at her, get in her face, _do something, please. Do anything._ She feebly reached a hand out, but it was as if Jiwoo was at an infinite distance. Suddenly, she was much more aware of the door left open, shivering as she was consumed by the cold. Without emotion, Jiwoo spoke her parting words.

 

“If you can’t trust me, then you can leave. Now.”

 

Unable to contain her remorse, Jungeun let her hot tears singe a trail down her cheeks, collecting at the bottom of her chin. Ultimately respecting her demand, Jungeun trudged towards the exit, looking back to check if Jiwoo would ever turn around.

 

She didn’t.

 

As the door closed behind her, Jungeun’s worst nightmare had come true. It wasn’t that Jiwoo hated her. She didn’t even care about her anymore.

 

Driving into the cold night, Jungeun mourned the loss of her home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u know whats fatter than this chapter? my ratio follow pls
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i feel so bad for jungeun in this fic.......
> 
> me:
> 
> me: stan list

 

“I know this looks super bad, Jungeun. I mean, gosh. It probably looks terrible… But I _swear_ , nothing happened while we were dating. Absolutely nothing. I said it then and I say it now because it’s the truth. And… I missed you, too. I missed you a lot. The first few weeks without you were so difficult, Jungeun. I was miserable. It felt like a part of me had died, you know? I felt so small, alone in our apartment. It was like what you said about feeling lost. I have to ask; did you intentionally never sit in the same place in the morning? You’d always be at different spots around the table, or sometimes you’d be in the living room, a bowl in your lap.  You always sat down first, and I’d just sit next to you. Now I didn’t even know where to sit. I’d look and look around even though I knew you weren’t there, just looking for something familiar. I never found anything. The apartment, everything started looking so foreign. For the first few weeks, I ate breakfast standing up. Gosh, you would’ve laughed at how dumb I looked. Ah, I wouldn’t have blamed you; it was pretty funny. Can you imagine me holding a bowl of cereal in one hand? Remember, I could barely keep a three-pound weight up for more than a few minutes! Oh man, carrying groceries in by myself was a whole ‘nother ordeal… You know, after you left, I had to teach myself how to record shows. Now _that_ was funny. I’m lucky they have a YouTube tutorial for everything these days…

 

“I swear to you, nothing happened during those first few weeks. For the first few months. Don’t ever doubt that I cared about you. I wanted to text you. Something casual, like ask how your tour was going. But… I was just so _mad_. So angry, so… Hurt. You really hurt me, Jungeun. After nine years together, the fact that you thought I’d be capable of something so cruel… I know we talked a lot about your insecurities, but I just couldn’t justify your actions. I didn’t know how to handle it. I think I handled it wrong. I’m sorry I never texted, but you never texted either, so… I guess we’re even…

“I’m not gonna’ get into the details about Sooyoung and what happened there; I’m sure you don’t wanna’ hear about it. But… I thought you should know about… Us. We only started recently. Our feelings were recent, too… You gotta’ trust me, when we were together, Sooyoung wasn’t in the picture.  She was nowhere even remotely near the picture. I was entirely committed to you, Jungeun. Please believe me. I know it seems so suspicious, but… You believe me, right?”

 

Jungeun gnawed on her words. They’d only brought her trouble before. She knew she shouldn’t say much anymore.

 

Desperate now, “Jungeun… Can you please just say something?” Jiwoo plead. “Anything?”

 

She curled her head in and squeezed her eyes, as if preparing for impact. “… I believe you.”

 

“Really?” Immediately brightening, Jiwoo’s enthusiasm was palpable.

 

“… And I need you to leave.”

 

“Oh.” Just like that, Jiwoo’s face dropped. “Okay.” Jungeun felt Jiwoo push the table a bit as she moved her chair back, wincing as its legs ground irritatingly against the floor. The sounds of clicking heels traveled to her side, and Jiwoo spoke her parting words.

 

“If you have the time, Jungeun… Come visit the apartment sometime next week. Anytime.” She paused, then added, “Come home.”

 

 _Home._ Jungeun inhaled sharply, but kept her head turned away. _If I get a good look at her, I’ll say something dumb again, and make everything even worse…_

 

Jiwoo waited for Jungeun to say goodbye, the silence nearly suffocating her. _Maybe she’s not saying anything because… She’s planning to see me later!_ Though incredibly unlikely, Jiwoo kept the comforting thought in mind as she proceeded to the exit.

 

Only when the bell attached to the cafe door sounded did Jungeun lift her head. She checked inside the cafe first, ensuring Jiwoo was gone. Then, she looked out the large glass window by her table, watching intently as Jiwoo approached the curb. Jungeun pressed herself so close to the window that her breath started fogging it up, painting a cloud underneath Jiwoo’s feet. _Ethereal…_

 

Jungeun thought Jiwoo was waiting to cross the street, but she remained where she was even as the light changed. Jungeun cocked her head. _What was she doing?_

 

So slowly that Jungeun couldn’t even discern when she had started, Jiwoo raised one of her hands, holding it out flatly in front of her. First, she looked down at her palm. Then, Jiwoo tilted her head up and looked to the sky, craning her neck towards it. And she waited.

 

Jungeun decided to look up too, and met a million clouds, high and dry. _Is there a sign hidden up there somewhere?_ She too waited.

 

The closest they could be for now, they stared at the clouds together. And they waited.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does twtiter is gay 
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg still zero hits as i'm adding the chapters wake UP yall noboday gettin skinny sleeping 9 hours a day binch1!!!!!!

 

Jungeun felt her heart pounding against her eardrums. “Are you serious, Jiwoo? You better be, because this would be a pretty messed up joke.”

 

Blushing and laughing, “I’m very serious, Jungeun. I like you. Like, I really like you.”

 

“Holy shit.”

 

Jiwoo clung tightly as the hands she held began to vibrate, becoming scorching hot. Her embarrassment faded only for concern to take its place. “Um, Jungeun? Are you okay?”

 _What just happened?_ It was supposed to be just another late night at the cafe working on homework. As soon as midnight hit, they were supposed to pack up, walk each other home, say good night, _ba da bing ba da boom_ , done. But then this confession came out of left field, hitting Jungeun out of the park. Looking down, she felt her head spinning. _Is the room getting hotter? Smaller? Is it moving? Oh my god, it’s moving. I think I’m gonna die._ “Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit—”

 

“Um,” Jiwoo interrupted. “If this is how you plan to reject me, you’re not getting your message across very clearly.”

 

“Wait, what?” Hearing Jiwoo’s mistaken thoughts, Jungeun snapped her head up, bug-eyed. “No! No reject! Me likey!”

 

“‘Me likey?’” Jiwoo tried stifling her giggle to no avail.

 

Jungeun grimaced at her fumbled words, glad it was too late for any reasonable person to also be at the cafe at this god-awful hour to witness her making a panicked fool of herself. “You know what I mean! I like you too!”

 

Both flushed red, the two girls shared a warm silence, holding hands as they gazed into the other’s eyes. They waited a long time, until Jungeun’s hand slowed to a still. Having used up all her energy to calm down, Jungeun took deep, heavy breaths.

 

“So…” Jiwoo started.

 

“So…”

 

“So… We should just date then.”

 

Jungeun cracked a smile, never having expected to be asked without a question, but overjoyed nonetheless. “Yeah, we should.”

 

“Okay then.” Jiwoo wore a matching smile. “Then I guess we’re dating now.”

 

“Yeah. I guess we are.” And like a puzzle piece sinking neatly into place, everything suddenly felt so right. Everything buzzed with a vibrant warmth, Jungeun feeling as though she were swaddled in a soft blanket. Life had never felt so right, so comfortable before.

 

“Oh my gosh, Jiwoo.” Riding her high, “Why didn’t we do this earlier?”

 

“I mean, I’ve liked you for a long time, Jungeun.” Getting shy now, Jiwoo muttered, “Like, I might’ve had a crush on you since the eighth grade…”

 

Jungeun’s eyes grew even wider as she realized that they’ve been sharing feelings for one another for _three years, and we’re just doing something about it now?_ “Oh my gosh, we’re actually dumb.”

 

Pretending to be insulted, “Speak for yourself, Jungie. _I’m_ not dumb. I was…” Jiwoo sighed, speaking seriously now. “I was scared.” She turned her head away.

 

The humorous atmosphere died down, Jungeun knitting her brows. “Why?”

 

“Because you’re really important to me. And… I don’t wanna’ risk losing you.”

 

 _Oh._ Jungeun hadn’t thought about that being a possibility. Whenever Jungeun thought about her future, Jiwoo would be there. Always. “I can’t imagine losing you…”

 

“Me neither…”

 

Jungeun hadn’t realized that love would be so complicated. She almost let pessimism overwhelm her… But as Jiwoo lifted her head, and their eyes met again, and the universe fell back into its rhythm… _Nothing could ever go wrong. Not when it feels this perfect to be together._

 

To Jiwoo’s dismay, Jungeun broke their hands apart. “Pinky out,” she demanded.

 

“What?”

 

Jungeun reemphasized her demand by holding her own pinky out, waving it back and forth slightly. Despite her confusion, Jiwoo followed suit.

 

Jungeun firmly wrapped her pinky around Jiwoo’s. “I pinky-swear that no matter what happens in the future, we’ll always be friends.”

 

Hearing Jungeun’s promise, Jiwoo clamped down on Jungeun’s pinky with her own, excitedly swinging their joined hands around. With a nod, “Pinky-swear.”

 

Under her breath, “I don’t think I could get rid of you if I tried…” Jungeun said snidely.

 

Now actually insulted, Jiwoo shoved Jungeun with her free hand. “You’re so rude!”

 

With a roll of her eyes and an even wider smile, Jungeun replied, “Ah, Jiwoo… You know I love you.” As an added bonus, “And I guess you know that I like you, too.”

 

Her smile returning, Jiwoo returned the sentiment. “Yeah, I do. I’m glad we’re spending our lives together.” Jiwoo’s hands found Jungeun’s again, holding them even tighter than before.

 

Jungeun looked down to her hands, having never felt such immense happiness before.

 

“Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was cute................................................................too bad the girlies broke up anyways lmaooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anyways stream kiss later for clear skin uwu
> 
> stay tuned for the next chapter oOOOooOoOOO~~~~~~ the finale!
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	9. Chapter 9

 

Like the snow that never fell, Jungeun never visited.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ................ ki- ki- kiseuneun daeume?  
> (fr tho if you got this far thanks for reading, lmk what u think, thanks so much for reading aaahhhh~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


	10. my outline ashdjhfdgkhfgfds (don't read unless ur done w the fic)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted this on asianfanfics saying it was "exclusive" for that platform but...................that aint fair :3
> 
> here's the outline i wrote before writing this fic, obviously i didn't stick to it 100% but idk in case anyone is curious here you go!

 

Chuulip - post break up angst shit1

Jungeun went on some dance tour or something idk (maybe she’s a musician instead)

Chuu has an office job? Her job isn’t as important she could be a farmer for all i care

They meet at a cafe they used to always go to (because sad bitches are always at a cafe)

  * Small talking and shit
  * It’s kinda awkward because they’re GAY and MISS EACH oTHER
  * “Oh you dyed your hair……..it looks nice”
  * (should i add a highschool flashback or will that be too any flashbacks in this thing)



(flashback to how chuu got her nickname maybe?) (also awww chuu remembers kim lip’s favorite drink now jungeun’s emo)

Okay back to present

Chuu has something for kimlip?? Owo she gotta return it though (but what is it u gotta think my dude)

Uhhhhhhhhh maybe…………………..a sweater (SIKE Penguin plushie 8)

(anothr cute flashback but it alludes to some major shit goin down)

Oh shit why did they even break up in the first place?

  * Maybe jungeun has some major trust issues, insecure ish
  * Shutting chuu out :(
  * Neglect builds, only kim lip talks about problems but chuu never voices hers (add some line like “but you never asked!!!!!u don’t really carE!!!!! wahwahwahhahwhwha”)



(okay so maybe in the flashback they argue a lil bit, maybe lip complains about college but chuu is like “baby it’s okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay” but she also adds “o btw my day is fine” ok nvm no argument also how is the sweater involved? Figure that out later sis idk)

Jungeun is like no keep it, and chuu is like “*dramatic sigh* i cant”

Back and forth and back and forth and back adn forthand THEn

*BOMB* “Sooyoung and I are dating” KAPOW PSHOOOOOOOO BLAM

(NOW IT’s BREAK UP SCENE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~flash baaAaack~!)

Jungeun is BITTER and chuu is like “im sorry but…………….lowkey ur fault”

Maybe lip is like “no u” maybe not we’ll see! :+) maybe she’s like “go away >:(“

Then chuu does but she’s like “stop by jungeun. I miss u. Come home.”

  * Oh shit add some sort of home metaphor in the beginning or something DEEP



(final flashback to when chuu asked jungeun out and she’s like “whatever happens, we’ll still be friends, right?)

End with “Like the snow that never fell, Jungeun didn’t visit.” (add something about snow in the beginning, Chuu loves snow or something)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for reading, ples leave comments bc i thrive off the validation yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
> 
> omfg i stayed until 6am ripperoni
> 
> twt: @yeojinakgae_


End file.
